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GENESIS

On the first day, a Tuesday, God created dinner parties.







And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden, thou mayest freely eat.



But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it:



For in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely know you are naked.



And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat.



And gave also unto her husband with her: And he did eat.



And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked.



As did the rest of the dinner party.

EXODUS

...She took for him an ark of bulrushes, and put the child therein. And the daughter of the Pharaoh came down to wash her nasty self in the river, and when she saw the ark among the reeds, she sent her maid to fetch it.



And the child grew, and she brought him unto Pharaoh's daughter, and he became her son. And she called his name Moses.



Moses went in and told Pharaoh, Thus sayeth the Lord God of Israel, and later Ghandi, Let my people go!



And the Pharaoh said, who is the Lord, that I shoul obey his voice to let Israel go? Don't I beleive that cats are Gods, and if I'm not buried with a bunch of money my soul will be too heavy? I know not the Lord, neither will I let Israel go.



And Moses said, Well then there's gonna be a lot of shit going down. You will be visited on a plague of frogs, and locusts, and hangnails, and blood in the river, and SIDS, and panda bears. So you might as well get back in your Stargate and get outta here.



And the blood in the river stank, and the panda bears were cute, but the people were still sad that there were so many baby caskets. So the Pharoah said, I have sinned against the Lord your God, and against you.



And Moses said, Okay, but don't go following me into the desert all tricky like. I'll end up blinding you with bushes and leading you into the Red Sea.



Haha, tricked you!



And Moses did part the Red Sea, and that's why we eat unleavened bread every Passover.

GENESIS 19 (The Story of Lot)

And there came two Angels to Sodom at evening, and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom, and Lot seeing thm rose up to meet them, and he bowed himself with his face to the ground.

They entered his house and he did make them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat.



But before they lay down, the men of the city compassed the houseround, both young and old, and called unto Lot, Where ae the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out to us, that we may KNOW them.



Lot said, behold now, I have two daughters which have not KNOWN man.



Let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes.



And the angels eventually destroyed Soddam, and turned Lot's wife into salt for not following simple direction.



Lot then went to live in a cave with his two daughters. The firstborn said, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth.

Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve the seed of our father.



And they both got him drunk and fucked him and got pregnant, and gave birth two babies that later became Kings. Thus the practice of inbreeding royalty was started.

Thanks for the Good News!

Date: 2006-08-29 07:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jathomas.livejournal.com
about dinner parties. This is my favorite version of the bible.

Re: Thanks for the Good News!

Date: 2006-08-29 07:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quba.livejournal.com
I really didn't even have to change much of it.

Re: Thanks for the Good News!

Date: 2006-08-29 08:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jathomas.livejournal.com
Well, after your journal gets translated enough times, I bet it will be a lot of deviations from what you really intended.

HO MAN ARTIE, YOUR FURRY BELLY!

Date: 2006-08-29 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] calamityjon.livejournal.com
I can't believe they was smoking fags at the Garden of Eden. Also that people had cigarettes.

Re: HO MAN ARTIE, YOUR FURRY BELLY!

Date: 2006-08-29 07:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quba.livejournal.com
Artie's belly has been giving me nightmares for years. He's such a bear.

Date: 2006-08-29 07:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tawdryjones.livejournal.com
This post is not work safe!

Date: 2006-08-29 08:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tawdryjones.livejournal.com
The part where Artie is touching himself.

Date: 2006-08-29 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] artiekgb.livejournal.com
Artie is just protecting the internet's virginal eyes from his wang, by ensuging that it stays behind it's leaf.

most of them, anyway

Date: 2006-08-29 10:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tawdryjones.livejournal.com
And the internets thank you.

Date: 2006-08-29 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] prettykate.livejournal.com
Oh man, Artie told me a little about this, and this post is way better than I could have imagined.

Date: 2006-08-29 09:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quba.livejournal.com
Awesome!

Date: 2006-08-29 09:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] manningkrull.livejournal.com
I-- You-- That-- Gah-- Holy- Oh man.

Date: 2006-08-29 09:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tamisevens.livejournal.com
is this what everyone in Utica is doing for dinner? cause DAMN my upstate NY town was SO NOT LIKE THAT DUDE.

Date: 2006-08-29 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nocoins.livejournal.com
holy..... crap!

Date: 2006-08-30 12:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dirty---sweet.livejournal.com
sweet ass.
now i don't have to read the bible EVER AGAIN!

p.s. y'all are too hot to be all biblical and shit.

errrrrrrrrruhhhhh

Date: 2006-08-30 12:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deaa.livejournal.com
Ok. So I am entirely baked. And I wonder how it was that you managed to lead me through that entire rigamarole without having to skip down.

Well done. We found a person for the room. That's as exciting as my life gets.

We should totally trade.

haha.

Date: 2006-08-30 02:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ahmuno.livejournal.com
awesome! You guys just saved me from ever having to re-read the bible! Thanks!

Date: 2006-08-31 03:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] madsc1entist.livejournal.com
oh...wow...

Date: 2006-09-01 06:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bitterrotten.livejournal.com
You complain about all the photoshoping you have to do but I don't see a lot of restraint here.

Also, this is a good website for bible research.

            

Date: 2010-03-25 10:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adam-0oo.livejournal.com
Faaaahbulous.
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