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Dear Momma,


Ah was so saddened that your gout prevented you frum attendin' our family re-union. 



I wore that hat you got me, Momma, and I flew this country's colors with pride.  I had 'em take this picture like that 'cause you always used to tell me I came out of the womb feet first and ready for dancin'.



Laura Lee came all the way up from above the dry-cleaners in thet pretty li'l apartment she's got in Savanna.  She misses you, Momma.  An' she says to tell you that she'll never be caught in bed wif someone from Pappy's side of the family, not never agin.



Jim Joe and Double T were playin' up a good god damn!  Our neighbors came up and said, "Is you havin' a concert?" but none of them had ever heard of no hootinanny. 



Cindy Lou came down from the mountains special, and she's winkin' and showing her mouth muscle, just so as you know she's healthy, Momma.



Norma Jean sended you her love, but says it musta gotten lost in the mail. She never heard hide nor hair of you in the response.



Bille Ann and your other cousin Bille Ann, all got done up like the Dixie Chicks.



Your brother Ed Earl stopped by and brought us some of that Grand Ole American beef jerky, Momma.  First you salute the beef jerky, then you eat the beef jerky, an' then you salute it again. 



His brother Danny Hank brought us a bait cooler filled with Genny Cream Ale an' Old Mill, and told us to hep ourselves.  He didn't have to tell us twice.



You remember cousin Magnolia wif all them perty li'l freckles she's got on her face.  She was a snapping us in the photographs, like always.



I done to'd you we done it up right, Momma.



We had a washboard an' everything!  We played it like a drum, but you can use it for your hoisery, if'n you'd like.



Here's the other side of the jug band, what with Maggie on the spoons and Adeline sitting pretty on the right, Laura Leane sitting pretty on the left, and yours truly trying to peek down their frontal attires.

\

Danny Hank brought hisself a jug of that moonshine.  Remember when he fed that to ya', and you put everyone's laundry in the oven?



The girls there were so purty Danny Hank couldn't keep his inside!  He had to let him out for some air!



You learned this one to me, Momma!  A Wisconsin Shooter, you called 'em, but we as just been calling 'em tossin' the skunk juice.



I know you say that a man don't need pride, but sometimes I cain't hep myself.



We had all of your favorite cue-sine, Momma.  Seeing as how it was a star-spangled hoot an' holler, Cousin Art shot down some fine pigeons, an' we fried 'em up nice.



We had fried co'n bread t'keep the hound dogs quiet, we had Frito Pie your favorite an' mine, beans t'keep our hearts healty.



And we had some de-licious Pecan pie that Laura Lee whipped up.



Ooh, I cannot fo'git to remember the bananas on a stick!  They was a tremenjus hit.



Just as the event was approaching it's finale-ization, the neighbors acrost the street started watching the porn-ography an' making the beast with two backs.  I know how much you like a good whoopie making, momma, and I did my best to document the o-cassion.



Pappy's brother Ed Earl was so shocked by the whole thing, he done spit out his beer!  And you know once that vemonous demon 'shine passes his lips there's only a lottery ticket's chance it's a-coming out again, unless it's puked all over the side of his pickup.



Billie Jean fell over, she was a laughin' so much.



Norma Jean was hopin' he smile would someday be as purty as Ed Earls. 



Good god damn, Momma.  We could only have had a better time if you was there.
Your Son,

Cleitus
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quba

August 2006

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